I am weary with my groaning;
All night I make my bed swim;
I drench my couch with tears,
My eye wastes away because of grief.
These verses say it best to how my soul feels. And I hate it.
I hate that everything is clouded by the deep sorrow I have for what we have gone through.
I hate that when there are things I should be rejoicing in, I struggle to find joy. I hate that when our son's adoption was finalized, internally I was stricken with sadness. I hate that sitting in a room full of my friends babies brought me to tears. I hate that seeing certain baby items causes a war of emotions inside of me. I hate that one moment I am enjoying a nice lunch with my husband and son and the next I am sobbing in the car. I hate that I am not the same as I was. I hate that my relationship with God is not the same as it was. I hate not knowing what our next step will be in growing our family and when the appropriate time is to pursue that. We have to renew our foster training classes by the beginning of the year to keep our home open. We don't know if we will, and time is creeping up. So much time as gone by. I hate that so much time has gone by.
