I'm walking on the street, Missy on my hip and Mac walking with us. I turn and Missy has disappeared. Suddenly I'm in a room full of people, water comes in through a drain and I cling to Mac as water rises and rises. A wave comes in and pulls him from my grip. I wake up.
These are what my dreams have been like the past week. I'm not sleeping. I'm drained. I'm scared.
I'm afraid of losing Missy. Im afraid of what it could do to Malachi. What it could do to me, to Doug, again.
We ran into a biological family member at a place we are at often a few weeks ago. They recognized Missy. I froze. I stood there silent as Doug held Missy and my mother in law held Malachi. They don't know Malachi and they won't. I cried on the way home. And for days afterward. I'm scared to go out in public with out Doug. It's an irrational fear. I know this. But it takes a lot for me to go out with the kids alone. Malachi will never leave our home. He's ours. Running into biological family will never change that. They wouldn't even recognize him. But Missy. She may leave. She may never be ours forever. She could be gone tomorrow and I would have no control over it. All I can do is to pour in to her and love her as if she stays forever, something I am honestly struggling with. And to pray. Pour myself into Jesus. Guys, we could not do this with out Him. Foster care is hard. Parenting is hard. With out God I would be a puddle on the floor and never leave home.
We have decided it's best for me to not go to that certain place with Missy for awhile till we see if anything comes of it and my mind eases. I'm praying it does soon.
Tuesday, March 17, 2015
Thursday, February 26, 2015
Missy
It's been 3 weeks since Missy came back to our home. It is still crazy to me to say those words. When I saw Bair pop up on my phone I was not expecting it would be about her. I was just starting to come to terms with her being gone and probably not coming home to us. It had been over 5 months. If she was going to come back it would have happened already. Everyone thought so. I had imagined over and over in my head what it would be like to hear that she was coming home. Those sceneries were not even close to the real thing.
It was 2:45 pm, Malachi was napping, Doug was in the living room playing videos games and I was laying in bed, still recovering from the flu. Bair Foundation popped up on my phone. My first thought.. "Here we go, this is it" (for a new child) I answered. It was our Bair worker for Mac and Missy's case. I didn't think anything of it since she had been helping out with intakes and we have talked off and on for awhile.
BW: "I have good news for you. Missy (insert real name) has come back into care."
Me: sobbing immediately and uncontrollably.
We talked for another minute as I asked if she was okay and a couple details. She said she would tell the investigator to move forward with placement and would call me back with a time for drop off. I immediately jumped out of bed and ran to tell Doug. I was crying so hard that he didn't get what I said at first. Then we cried together. I was shaking and weeping. I called my mom and then Bair called back again. They will be dropping her off at 4 pm. It was 3 at that point. Missy will be here in an hour. In. An. Hour!!! We jumped into action. Got dressed, Doug showered, I cleaned as much as possible. We had all been sick all week. Piles of stuff everywhere. Meds out. Food out. We were a mess. With all the adrenaline I felt like super woman, I wasn't sick anymore (until later that night) I even cracked a joke and said "acabelieve it!"
4pm rolled around. Cps and Bair showed up. Missy was in a car seat with a blanket draped over it. I took in a breath as I lifted the blanket. There she was. staring right at us. Guys she smiled the moment she saw us. I cried, again. It's a thing with me. Get used to it. :)
We filled out paper work, discussed details and cps and Bair left. In 2 short hours, we were a family of 4 again.
When Missy left our home I broke. In every way possible. It was beyond devastating. I would constantly pray that she would be safe and healthy and ultimately come home. Every time , and I mean EVERY time, I prayed a thought would pop in my head, "6 months, just wait, 6 months" I honestly didn't think anything of it, just wishful thinking I thought.
Missy returned to us the day before she turned 6 months.
That was so the Lord. He knew exactly when she would come home.
Our Bair worker said that calling us was the best phone call she has ever made in her years working there. The case worker that we had to drop Missy off to when she left our home called us crying when she heard Missy was back with us. She felt horrible the day we lost her and it was something she never forgot. She was thrilled to know that she was safe with us. I could go on with stories like these.
We still have a long road ahead of us. Nothing is certain. Missy requires a lot of attention, she's been through so much. We have done a bazillion doctor appts and check ups and more to come. She starts ECI therapy next week. We have finally started to get into a rhythm with feedings and sleeping. She's getting healthier and stronger every day. She's bonded more to us. Mac ADORES her. I am finally starting to get back to where I was with her in the beginning. It's a strange thing having to rebond with a child who you weren't expecting to come back, who doesn't know you as "momma" We are relearning each other all over again. We will get there. God is good and faithful.
Continue to pray as we continue to adjust and go through the whole process again as we hope to make her forever ours.
It was 2:45 pm, Malachi was napping, Doug was in the living room playing videos games and I was laying in bed, still recovering from the flu. Bair Foundation popped up on my phone. My first thought.. "Here we go, this is it" (for a new child) I answered. It was our Bair worker for Mac and Missy's case. I didn't think anything of it since she had been helping out with intakes and we have talked off and on for awhile.
BW: "I have good news for you. Missy (insert real name) has come back into care."
Me: sobbing immediately and uncontrollably.
We talked for another minute as I asked if she was okay and a couple details. She said she would tell the investigator to move forward with placement and would call me back with a time for drop off. I immediately jumped out of bed and ran to tell Doug. I was crying so hard that he didn't get what I said at first. Then we cried together. I was shaking and weeping. I called my mom and then Bair called back again. They will be dropping her off at 4 pm. It was 3 at that point. Missy will be here in an hour. In. An. Hour!!! We jumped into action. Got dressed, Doug showered, I cleaned as much as possible. We had all been sick all week. Piles of stuff everywhere. Meds out. Food out. We were a mess. With all the adrenaline I felt like super woman, I wasn't sick anymore (until later that night) I even cracked a joke and said "acabelieve it!"
4pm rolled around. Cps and Bair showed up. Missy was in a car seat with a blanket draped over it. I took in a breath as I lifted the blanket. There she was. staring right at us. Guys she smiled the moment she saw us. I cried, again. It's a thing with me. Get used to it. :)
We filled out paper work, discussed details and cps and Bair left. In 2 short hours, we were a family of 4 again.
When Missy left our home I broke. In every way possible. It was beyond devastating. I would constantly pray that she would be safe and healthy and ultimately come home. Every time , and I mean EVERY time, I prayed a thought would pop in my head, "6 months, just wait, 6 months" I honestly didn't think anything of it, just wishful thinking I thought.
Missy returned to us the day before she turned 6 months.
That was so the Lord. He knew exactly when she would come home.
Our Bair worker said that calling us was the best phone call she has ever made in her years working there. The case worker that we had to drop Missy off to when she left our home called us crying when she heard Missy was back with us. She felt horrible the day we lost her and it was something she never forgot. She was thrilled to know that she was safe with us. I could go on with stories like these.
We still have a long road ahead of us. Nothing is certain. Missy requires a lot of attention, she's been through so much. We have done a bazillion doctor appts and check ups and more to come. She starts ECI therapy next week. We have finally started to get into a rhythm with feedings and sleeping. She's getting healthier and stronger every day. She's bonded more to us. Mac ADORES her. I am finally starting to get back to where I was with her in the beginning. It's a strange thing having to rebond with a child who you weren't expecting to come back, who doesn't know you as "momma" We are relearning each other all over again. We will get there. God is good and faithful.
Continue to pray as we continue to adjust and go through the whole process again as we hope to make her forever ours.
Tuesday, January 13, 2015
Sisters
Sisters. They bring out the best in you and they bring out the worst in you. Anyone who has a sister knows what I'm talking about. If not, let me just give you a glimpse of what I mean.
I have been blessed with 3 sisters. Ashleigh, my twin sister. Sarah, my younger sister and Monica, the youngest of us all. Anyone who has spent anytime with my sisters and I know that it's loud, crazy and drama filled. Poor Doug handles it with ease. :) Most of our time together involves a lot of laughing. Usually at one of the ridiculous things our family has done. Like the time Sarah fell down stairs on her first day of college, books flying every where. Sorry Sarah, I still crack up about it. Or the time my mom fell outside and came crawling back in on her hands and knees, or the time Ashleigh slid right under the car on some ice. We fall a lot. It gives us great stories to laugh about later. But then there are times when that laughter stops and one of us gets, uh let's say.. Feisty.
Ashleigh and I were sitting in the dinning room talking, completely normal and friendly, then a comment was said, and the next thing I know is my hand is flying at her face. Yeah...I have no idea what came over me, but this rage came up in me and I couldn't help myself. I immediately felt bad (and sorta good) Sisters know exactly what buttons to press and it doesn't need to be a big button, the smallest thing can trigger ugliness, even for just a minute. It's a laughed about thing now, and we all know Ashleigh could take me in a second. ;)
Even when there are times of ugliness between sisters, there is also pure beauty. My sisters stopped everything they were doing and drove through the night, the day we lost Missy. We are all about 6-8 hrs from each other. They stayed the whole weekend and even one of them came back a couple weeks later to stay for several days and help with Mac. Sisters are good like that. Sisters are your best friends, they will laugh with you and at you, they will cry with you and they will occasionally take you down in a heart beat.
I have been blessed with 3 sisters. Ashleigh, my twin sister. Sarah, my younger sister and Monica, the youngest of us all. Anyone who has spent anytime with my sisters and I know that it's loud, crazy and drama filled. Poor Doug handles it with ease. :) Most of our time together involves a lot of laughing. Usually at one of the ridiculous things our family has done. Like the time Sarah fell down stairs on her first day of college, books flying every where. Sorry Sarah, I still crack up about it. Or the time my mom fell outside and came crawling back in on her hands and knees, or the time Ashleigh slid right under the car on some ice. We fall a lot. It gives us great stories to laugh about later. But then there are times when that laughter stops and one of us gets, uh let's say.. Feisty.
Ashleigh and I were sitting in the dinning room talking, completely normal and friendly, then a comment was said, and the next thing I know is my hand is flying at her face. Yeah...I have no idea what came over me, but this rage came up in me and I couldn't help myself. I immediately felt bad (and sorta good) Sisters know exactly what buttons to press and it doesn't need to be a big button, the smallest thing can trigger ugliness, even for just a minute. It's a laughed about thing now, and we all know Ashleigh could take me in a second. ;)
Even when there are times of ugliness between sisters, there is also pure beauty. My sisters stopped everything they were doing and drove through the night, the day we lost Missy. We are all about 6-8 hrs from each other. They stayed the whole weekend and even one of them came back a couple weeks later to stay for several days and help with Mac. Sisters are good like that. Sisters are your best friends, they will laugh with you and at you, they will cry with you and they will occasionally take you down in a heart beat.
Wednesday, January 7, 2015
God is good
Oh man, God is so good. I cannot say that enough.
As we have been getting back in to the fostering world I have been reading a lot about other people's stories in foster care. I recently just read about a mom who has taken in 10 children over 4 years, who were "medically fragile" all ranging from abuse, to neglect and drug exposure. The stories are heart breaking and astounding. The trauma these babies have endured is devastating and the healing and restoration they received are amazing. It makes me think about Malachi and his story. That sweet beautiful 2 day old baby boy suffering so much in his short life. And yet defied all odds and thrived. I read his whole case history, all 500 pages of it. The amount of trauma he endured in the womb were astounding to say the least. He shouldn't be the boy he is today. I remember holding and praying over him as he had withdrawals, ranging from tremors to not sleeping because of tremoring to stomach issues. But you know what, he overcame it all and fast. He is a super energetic, spunky, thriving, normal toddler. Ah it brings me to tears. It makes me want to walk right into Malachi's room, wake him up and hold him.
Often people tell us how blessed Malachi is to have us, but really we are blessed to have him. we are better because of him. He is one amazing kid and there is just something special about him.
God is so so good.
As we have been getting back in to the fostering world I have been reading a lot about other people's stories in foster care. I recently just read about a mom who has taken in 10 children over 4 years, who were "medically fragile" all ranging from abuse, to neglect and drug exposure. The stories are heart breaking and astounding. The trauma these babies have endured is devastating and the healing and restoration they received are amazing. It makes me think about Malachi and his story. That sweet beautiful 2 day old baby boy suffering so much in his short life. And yet defied all odds and thrived. I read his whole case history, all 500 pages of it. The amount of trauma he endured in the womb were astounding to say the least. He shouldn't be the boy he is today. I remember holding and praying over him as he had withdrawals, ranging from tremors to not sleeping because of tremoring to stomach issues. But you know what, he overcame it all and fast. He is a super energetic, spunky, thriving, normal toddler. Ah it brings me to tears. It makes me want to walk right into Malachi's room, wake him up and hold him.
Often people tell us how blessed Malachi is to have us, but really we are blessed to have him. we are better because of him. He is one amazing kid and there is just something special about him.
God is so so good.
Sunday, December 28, 2014
Significance
Malachi is a sneaky toddler. He gets into things so fast. I am pretty sure he is Houdini. The other day I was cleaning the dishes and I noticed that Malachi had grabbed the extension for the vacuum and was using it to swipe things off the fridge that he couldn't reach. He had several alphabet letter magnets in his hand. So what did I do? I, like the good mom that I am, just let him continue his business.
Nope.
I practically lunged at him and took the magnets from him. And then I cried. Yep I took children's alphabet magnets that are meant to be played with from a child and then I cried. My proudest moment of course. ;)
Have you ever had an object, something so small and insignificant to the outside world but to you its significance is great?
That's what these magnets are to me. They aren't magical. They aren't shiny or glittery. They really aren't even that nice looking. They are just your ordinary dollar store magnets. Most of the letters are missing and they aren't strong enough to hold anything. But these magnets, the very few that are left, hang on the refrigerator every day as a reminder of something sweet.
They spell out two precious names. Two names that have forever changed our lives. One spells out the name of a boy we have had the greatest pleasure of calling Ours forever. The other spells out a name of a girl we had wished and still hope to call ours forever.
Can you guess which group of letters he had?
It's no great mystery to why I have such an emotional attachment to those letters.
Those magnets, which I see multiple times a day often bring tears and sadness but they also serve as a reminder of the joy and love that cant be described for a child who is not my own. It is a hope that I am holding on to, a reminder to pray, to lay myself before God and ask for His will, not mine. It is a Promise from God that He has never left my side, He is right there holding me, guiding me all the way through this season.
So there they sit on the refrigerator, up high, never letting me forget the goodness of Him and His Promise.
Nope.
I practically lunged at him and took the magnets from him. And then I cried. Yep I took children's alphabet magnets that are meant to be played with from a child and then I cried. My proudest moment of course. ;)
Have you ever had an object, something so small and insignificant to the outside world but to you its significance is great?
That's what these magnets are to me. They aren't magical. They aren't shiny or glittery. They really aren't even that nice looking. They are just your ordinary dollar store magnets. Most of the letters are missing and they aren't strong enough to hold anything. But these magnets, the very few that are left, hang on the refrigerator every day as a reminder of something sweet.
They spell out two precious names. Two names that have forever changed our lives. One spells out the name of a boy we have had the greatest pleasure of calling Ours forever. The other spells out a name of a girl we had wished and still hope to call ours forever.
Can you guess which group of letters he had?
It's no great mystery to why I have such an emotional attachment to those letters.
Those magnets, which I see multiple times a day often bring tears and sadness but they also serve as a reminder of the joy and love that cant be described for a child who is not my own. It is a hope that I am holding on to, a reminder to pray, to lay myself before God and ask for His will, not mine. It is a Promise from God that He has never left my side, He is right there holding me, guiding me all the way through this season.
So there they sit on the refrigerator, up high, never letting me forget the goodness of Him and His Promise.
Thursday, December 4, 2014
Beauty
Tonight Doug and I and a couple other pastors had the privilege of praying over and anointing with oil a special family. I of course was watching Malachi the whole time so I didn't get to be involved as much but something Doug had shared really stuck out to me.
A few years ago Doug and I were anointed with oil and prayed over for our infertility, for my womb to be opened. When we were being prayed over I had high expectations of overnight supernatural healing. I thought this would do it, I'll be pregnant before I know it. Well, we are coming up on 6 years of not being able to conceive. My womb hasn't been healed and opened. Something that at times, is unbelievably hard to cope with. But with out this part, we would never had started fostering, Malachi would never had been placed in our home.
What Doug shared was that sometimes healing doesn't come or doesn't come the way we expect it to. If healing does occur it's not something that happens overnight, in a blink of an eye. It might be that God chooses to keep you in that circumstance so He can use it and you to show His glory. He turns it into something beautiful. He took our heartache and gave us something so much better. And for that I wouldn't change. It's something I constantly need to be reminded of.
A few years ago Doug and I were anointed with oil and prayed over for our infertility, for my womb to be opened. When we were being prayed over I had high expectations of overnight supernatural healing. I thought this would do it, I'll be pregnant before I know it. Well, we are coming up on 6 years of not being able to conceive. My womb hasn't been healed and opened. Something that at times, is unbelievably hard to cope with. But with out this part, we would never had started fostering, Malachi would never had been placed in our home.
What Doug shared was that sometimes healing doesn't come or doesn't come the way we expect it to. If healing does occur it's not something that happens overnight, in a blink of an eye. It might be that God chooses to keep you in that circumstance so He can use it and you to show His glory. He turns it into something beautiful. He took our heartache and gave us something so much better. And for that I wouldn't change. It's something I constantly need to be reminded of.
Wednesday, December 3, 2014
Remembrance
Every day Malachi climbs onto the back of the couch and points out everyone in the pictures that hang on the wall behind it. They are our family pictures. He points out daddy, mommy, himself and then he comes to a particular picture. My favorite picture. It is the one of him holding his sister. He points and says "baby". My heart breaks and warms at the same time.
I want him to know who that beautiful baby is in the pictures. The one who looks just like him. I want him to know his baby sister. I want him to know how much he loved and adored her. How he helped feed her, how he gave her kisses and hugs constantly. I want him to know that even though she is no longer with us and may never come back to us, that she is still part of our family and will always be a daughter, a sister. I want him to know her name.
So every time he points at her picture, which is often, I say her name. I let him know that is his sister. I remind him of the time she was in our home, that they were the best 3 weeks. I let him know how much we love her, how often we pray for her, how we hope that one day we can be made a whole family again.
I want him to know who that beautiful baby is in the pictures. The one who looks just like him. I want him to know his baby sister. I want him to know how much he loved and adored her. How he helped feed her, how he gave her kisses and hugs constantly. I want him to know that even though she is no longer with us and may never come back to us, that she is still part of our family and will always be a daughter, a sister. I want him to know her name.
So every time he points at her picture, which is often, I say her name. I let him know that is his sister. I remind him of the time she was in our home, that they were the best 3 weeks. I let him know how much we love her, how often we pray for her, how we hope that one day we can be made a whole family again.
We didn't just lose a daughter, Malachi lost a sister. He may never get to see her again, but I want him to remember her and the time they shared. I want him to know that part of our story, his story.
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