fear

I'm walking on the street, Missy on my hip and Mac walking with us. I turn and Missy has disappeared. Suddenly I'm in a room full of people, water comes in through a drain and I cling to Mac as water rises and rises. A wave comes in and pulls him from my grip. I wake up.
These are what my dreams have been like the past week. I'm not sleeping. I'm drained. I'm scared.
I'm afraid of losing Missy. Im afraid of what it could do to Malachi. What it could do to me, to Doug, again.
We ran into a biological family member at a place we are at often a few weeks ago. They recognized Missy. I froze. I stood there silent as Doug held Missy and my mother in law held Malachi. They don't know Malachi and they won't. I cried on the way home. And for days afterward. I'm scared to go out in public with out Doug. It's an irrational fear. I know this. But it takes a lot for me to go out with the kids alone. Malachi will never leave our home. He's ours. Running into biological family will never change that. They wouldn't even recognize him. But Missy. She may leave. She may never be ours forever. She could be gone tomorrow and I would have no control over it. All I can do is to pour in to her and love her as if she stays forever, something I am honestly struggling with. And to pray. Pour myself into Jesus. Guys, we could not do this with out Him. Foster care is hard. Parenting is hard. With out God I would be a puddle on the floor and never leave home.
We have decided it's best for me to not go to that certain place with Missy for awhile till we see if anything comes of it and my mind eases. I'm praying it does soon.