update

It has been a little over 7 weeks since we were placed with a precious newborn baby boy. And seeing as I can't give any specific details about him or his case, I wanted to update you on things that have been going on with Doug and I through this whole process.
Besides the normal, sleep deprived zombies to I cant remember if I ate lunch or not... to someone putting his shirt on inside out to I didnt even brush my hair today... the joy of fostering a baby has completely opened my eyes to a world of things I had no idea about.
We get a lot of comments ranging from, excitement and joy to why fostering.. to "thats YOUR baby??", "I didn't know you were pregnant!" or my favorite..."you did this the easy way, you didn't go through labor and didn't get fat"  Let me just say, this is NOT the easy way. I would be more than willing to putting on several pounds and going through the pain of labor. Thats easy compared to this. Fostering a baby doesnt take away the pain of not being able to get pregnant. It is still something I very much struggle with. I hope those who are able to get pregnant never take advantage of that. Every day is an effort to loving a child that didn't come from your body. Something I thought would be super easy. It took me a couple weeks to bond with him. I would cry every night wondering why I couldnt connect with him, why someone like me who is so desperate for a child had a hard time bonding. Why it seemed Doug had an easier time bonding..The first time Doug took him to his visitations with birth mom was the first day that we both knew he was ours and we felt every minute of that hour he was there. Every week taking him to the cps building and watching him go in is a reminder that he can be taken away at any time. It is heartbreaking everytime.
We have also experienced the mixed views of the biracial family. Most are good with it, but every now and then you do get the occasion glance at mom and baby and then dad and then back at mom.. thoughts swarming in their heads and ends with a glare. Its sad to think that this is the world we live in that some reactions go straight to that. I pray for what the future holds for us in that area, we will definitely have our challenges, but he will be very much ours no matter the color of our skin. And I will have my fun with it as well. :)
Another thing that has been eye opening to me is the drug world and the devastation that it does to people and their families. Seeing and hearing of babies exposed to those elements and dealing with the withdrawals and side effects in a child that small is heart breaking. It cuts to the core of my heart. Its a horrible thing to be in bondage to and it effects so many people around you. I pray for healing for anyone who is caught in that web of destruction.
Going from working fulltime to being a stay at home mom fulltime has been a huge struggle for me. I had this huge expectation of what it would be like before the baby.. my fantasy dream.. no where near real life. I love being home with him, dont think that I dont. But I had no idea of the boredom at first and then the loneliness. Desperate for any adult interaction. Having the tv on in the back ground just to hear voices or making useless trips to the store just so I can get out. Also the guilt that comes with it. I should be satisfied with where we are at. Im not working anymore, I should be jumping up with joy right??  Its a huge adjustment that changed in the matter of a phone call 7 weeks ago.
We pray for whats best for this child and selfishly pray that we are able to adopt him. There are many mixed thoughts that come along with that.. most know where we stand exactly with it all, we just asked that you continue to keep us in your prayers. :)